Eyes Wide Open

Addy was eight-years-old when she became aware that others might be critical of her. It was hard for me to watch.

“First grade is when I started to care about what others thought,” my husband said when we discussed this. As a child I had a similar realization.

I think my awareness of external judgment started in second grade when it was clear that all the other children didn’t have as much arm hair as I did. I cried about it, and even asked my mother to take me to the doctor. The doctor said something like, “You need to dye and cut it regularly.” We tried the trimming thing for a while, but my arms always looked worse—gaps of hair missing were much more obvious than leaving it be.

I had been affected by the ‘good opinion of others’ through my young adulthood. It’s the approval issue. We come out of childhood craving it. We drown out our internal voices because we worry who we are will not match up to the expectations of others and we will be proven unlovable.

Through Addy and her friends, I have an opportunity to again look at these processes. Why do we feel the need to twist ourselves to be like everyone else?

Deb Dunham (http://www.tweenyouandmebook.com/) who also writes about and for tweens and teens wrote an article, I wanted to share with you.

The remaining column is a reprinting of an article posted by Deb on her blog.

Following a discussion about preteen stress, my 11-yr old daughter looked at her 5-year old sister and said, ‘I feel so bad that she’ll have to learn about grownup stuff some day. She’s so oblivious and happy now.’ My tween was reflecting on her own recent transition to a broader awareness.

When girls enter tweenhood, it’s as if their eyes are dilated and suddenly they see much more than they can absorb.

Tweens today are part of an information age that exposes them to mature concepts at an early age. But even with careful censoring of information, tweens become shockingly aware of the bigger world – thanks to their newly emerging self-consciousness.

They begin to see that the world has opinions of them; and they start to favor the judgment of others over their own self-assessment.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, many girls suffer a crisis of confidence between the ages of 11 and 13. This crisis follows them deep into their teen years as evidenced by reports that less than 1/3 of high school girls say they are happy with who they are.

Tweens are receptive to positive input. Parents can take advantage of this receptivity to bolster a tween’s confidence level.

1. Promote a sense of belonging and value. Involve your daughter in family plans. Ask for her opinion and allow her to orchestrate the details of an event.

2. Promote self-reliance and competence. Provide ample developmentally appropriate responsibilities and choices. Promote independent problem-solving. Remember most tweens are not necessarily asking for advice, but instead need to be heard.

3. Be a positive role model. Demonstrate respect by avoiding criticism of yourself and others. Most importantly, take ownership for your own choices by apologizing when necessary.

It’s natural for adolescents to suffer a decline in self-approval as they enter tweenhood. But it’s also possible for them to build confidence and self-love with careful guidance.

Tweens are resilient beings who can do more than survive the challenges of adolescence. Parents can acknowledge the hardships of a preteen and simultaneously expect them to thrive. Every child deserves to enjoy the benefits of self-acceptance. Every child can feel lovable, capable, and valuable.

Thanks Deb for your contribution!

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/

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Life with Challenges

The other night Addy and I are watching a program on HGTV. Designers were helping families in the military.

The mother of one family said to the interviewer: “We spend all our time in the den. We play games, watch TV and oh, we use it constantly for therapy sessions. I have two autistic children.”

Addy took note. “What’s autistic mean?”

I explained as best I could. “It’s a neurological disorder.”

From my own experience of observing children diagnosed with autism, I added, “They can be overly sensitive to the physical world. They’re often agitated by anything they perceive through their senses—hearing, seeing, touching, smelling. Some autistic people might make habitual body motions, rocking, for example, or have attachment to certain objects. They prefer routine and get upset when the routine is disrupted.”

That very same week, Addy and I talked to a college student who helped an autistic child. The conversation reminded me of the article I had written about Kim Hix and her 10-year-old son who was diagnosed with a neuropsychiatric disability.

We dug up that article for Addy to read. Then I showed her my latest blog post featuring Chynna Laird and her daughter Jamie.

Statistics indicate many families are raising children with disabilities. According to the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry between 7 to 12 million children suffer from behavioral, mental or developmental disorders, and these numbers don’t reflect physical disabilities or other maladies. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs), like Autism, Aspergers and ADHD, affect an estimated two to six per 1,000 children.

At the age of two, Jamie was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).
Chynna said, “Honestly, I’d never heard of SPD. I’d heard of Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD but not this mysterious SPD.”

Chynna described her symptoms. “She rarely slept, fought us with every simple hygiene task tooth and nail, spent most of her awake time screaming and refused our touch.” Jamie’s mother said it was difficult to take her places, “Anywhere too busy, loud, smelly, bright, etc. made her break down or freeze.”

Chynna explained, “A lot of people call SPD an ‘invisible disorder’ because you can’t see it on a child’s face or body. The only glimmer that something is wrong is their reactions to people, situations, and events and that they often have to try just a bit harder to bounce a ball, play sports like stick hockey or ice skate or concentrate.”

Chynna Laird wrote I’m Not Weird to help others who are experiencing similar challenges. That was why Kim Hix wrote No One Is Perfect and You Are a Great Kid.

Besides the stories of Chynna and Kim, there are many resources available including associations and foundations that provide information and support to people and families. I found a long list simply by searching Google.

One source is http://www.childrenswithdisabilities.info/. Another resource is The National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities (http://www.nichcy.org/). Forever Families (http://www.foreverfamilies.net/) also offers information and resources for families.

Although their stories aren’t quite the same, Chynna and Kim faced their challenges in a similar matter. Both were proactive, searching for answers that made sense. The women deliver a powerful message. Chynna told me: “Jaimie is my sensational child—my miracle girl.”

Kim said something in her original article that I think bears repeating. “It is my hope that other children realize that despite any disabilities they may have that they too possess strengths and gifts. A disability does not make a person, it is simply a part of who he or she is.”

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
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Secretary Mom

Robin Lewis was recently featured on 20/20’s Helicopter Moms: Hurting or Helping Kids as a very serious Helicopter Mom—a mom who by definition hovers over her children from beginning to end.

Lewis is more along the lines with the Black Hawk version of parenting.

At the controls, she knows all the passwords for her college-age children’s bank accounts and school portals.

She monitors their student email accounts to help them keep up with assignments and communicate with teachers.

She spends hours daily creating individual to-do lists, which she delivers to each son via email. She calls them throughout the day to check on their progress or remind them of tasks. Twice weekly she makes the two hour drive to wash their clothes.

The boys see their mother as being supportive and helpful. One son said: “It's nice to have someone who kind of serves as ... a secretary mom."

The boys are appreciative, but are they learning how to handle their own lives?

According to Helen Johnson, parenting expert and author of the book Don't Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money, they are not. She believes that Lewis and parents like her are sending a message to their kids that screams, “You are not capable.”

This new parenting trend is building its own industry. Many four-year colleges hire Parent Coordinators to handle the “hovercrafters”.

A Parent Coordinator is charged with manning an information hotline and organizing parenting events.

Colleges even offer seminars for students to help them learn to separate from so much control, although many of the millennium generation report they prefer having their top advisors in the middle of their business—handling the tough issues and minor hassles they face. Something is terribly wrong with this picture.

The College Board, a New York-based nonprofit organization that oversees the SAT and Advanced Placement programs, provides information for the parents of entering Freshman. It offers a quiz so parents can see where they fall on the Helicopter scale.

Questions include how many times caregivers contact their college-enrolled child a day, if they have ever contacted a professor on the child’s behalf and if they have written a paper for their child.

Parents who answer too many questions with the wrong answer are told, “We know you mean well, but you've just learned that hovering can be detrimental to your student. Take a deep breath, and check out the books listed below.”

To take the quiz, click here. This site provides a wealth of information, including recommended books.

On the flipside, new research tells us hovering parents can actually be helping their students.

The main message of these new findings is that involved parenting can be a good thing. Checking in, asking about grades and encouraging our college students to stay on top of their work and commitments certainly isn’t overstepping any boundaries.

For a clear delineation of where hovering becomes toxic, heed Johnson’s advice, “You do not take on your children's problems,” Johnson says, “but you talk to them about their problems.”

Learning how to manage one’s own problems and challenges builds a required muscle. If the child never does anything for him or her self, no lesson is learned.

Many times in my young adult life, I wished my parents would handle my problems—talk to my professor about a missed class or call my boss to explain what happened. Thankfully for me, having my parents handle those challenges wasn’t even an option. Unfortunately, for our latest generation of college students and young professionals, it is.

Allyn Evans
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http://www.allynevans.com/

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A Child Who Sleeps Wins!

A few weeks back a video clip for CNN featured author of NutureShock, Po Bronson.

The clip prompted last week’s sleep column, but by the time I had completed my 600-word maximum, I had completely left out any mention of what Po Bronson had to say. And he had lots to say…

In the clip, the CNN anchor took the lead. “Parents, what's the difference between raising an A student and a B student?

Fifteen minutes.

And we're not talking about study time, we're talking about sleep.”

During the interview Po Bronson said, “One school district started an hour later. The SAT scores of the best and brightest went up 200 points.”

You know my stance on the importance of sleep. If only I could go door-to-door every night and collect all cell phones, computers, gaming systems and MP3 players from all the teens in the world. I can’t. What I can do is share information with you that might lead to different choices.

During the interview, Mr. Bronson shared some of the research reported in his book.

Bronson featured a Rhode Island researcher, Dr. Avi Sadeh, a leading expert in the field.

In one study Sadeh asked 77 fourth- and sixth-graders to change their sleep patterns for three nights. Some were asked to stay up longer and some were told to go to bed earlier.

To measure sleep time, each child used a wrist device called an actigraph, which measures sleep activity. After evaluating the results, it was determined that one group did actually sleep thirty minutes more, while the second group slept 31 minutes less.

To see if this made a difference in the child’s ability to perform, neurobiological functioning was tested on the third day. The results were surprising. Sadeh’s conclusions were that a sleepy sixth-grader will be at the same performance level as a rested fourth grader.

Sadeh’s not the only researcher who is reporting the consequences of small sleep differences.

In reference to the “15 minute” remark, two important studies give plenty of ammunition for the importance of sleeping and amounts.

Dr. Kyla Wahlstrom, University of Minnesota, evaluated the sleep habits of more than 7,000 high school students.

Turns out that the A students averaged approximately fifteen more minutes of sleep than the B teens. And the students who made mostly B’s slept about eleven more minutes than the students who made mostly C’s. The C’s slept on average ten more minutes than the D students. What might be even more surprising is that this study replicated the results of a similar study done in Rhode Island of more than 3,000 teens.

A small number of schools are taking sleep researchers seriously by backing up school start times. According to Po Bronson, one of the best known is a school located in Edina, Minnesota. The time changed from 7:25 a.m. to 8:30 a.m.

“In the year preceding the time change, math and verbal SAT scores for the top 10 percent of Edina’s students averaged 1288. A year later, the top 10 percent averaged 1500, an increase that couldn’t be attributed to any other variable.

“Truly flabbergasting,” said Brian O’Reilly, the College Board’s executive director for SAT Program Relations on hearing the results.

Maybe Po Bronson said it best in a 2007 article he wrote for the New York Times. “Parents and educators might remain skeptical about the importance of the lost hour, but the sleep-research community considers the evidence irrefutable. Their convictions hardened as scientists began to understand sleep’s vital role in synthesizing and storing memories.”

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
email me!

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