I Know More Than You Think

I asked my daughter, Addy, what parents should know about teenagers today.

She immediately had a response: “Parents of teens need to understand that we know a lot about things—more than they think, probably. We get it from TV, Internet and our friends.”

Boy, did I know this to be a true statement.

Just watching TV now will let tell you that. The innuendoes and outright too-much- information peppered throughout even on a Primetime sitcom are not misunderstood by a teenager.

And then there is PG-13 which contains easily sent messages that are not always the ones we want our children to learn.

I was nine-years-old the first time I watched a scary movie on TV. The show was about the Salem witch hunt, and you and I both know that the movie couldn’t have been that scary.

It was on TV in the 1970s, for goodness’ sakes. It freaked me out for months. Addy and her dad have enjoyed watching scary movies since she was a young age. The movies now are much scarier, if you ask me, but they don’t faze her—she mostly laughs at their absurdity.

I did learn the meaning of the most used cuss word of the day when I was in the 2^nd grade. I didn’t hear it a lot until I actually arrived at college. My daughter says she hears it all the time—at school, on cable TV, on the radio (yes, have you listened to Sirus or XM radio?) and at the movies, to name just a few places.

The point is that children know more than we did when we were their age. But it’s important to keep in mind this doesn’t mean they are more mature than we were at the same age.

In an article titled “Kids Today Know Far More About Sex,” appearing in a Montreal’s “The Gazette”, Julie Beun said, “I recently interviewed Dr. Michael Popkin, the man behind the Active Parenting movement in Georgia. ‘You want to match your answers to the child's developmental level,' he said. ‘Think about it: 14-year-olds are dealing with sexual issues that we dealt with in college.’" She thinks the problem stems from our children’s exposure to the Internet, TV, movies and the big kids at the back of the bus. I agree. She reminds us, “The trick is not just to ensure they have accurate information—babies don't come from storks or Brad Pitt, no matter what Star magazine says—but to keep it all in context of the values you want them to have.”

“Parents need to understand that is the way it is,” Addy said. And that, my friends, is where Beun’s advice squares with Addy’s. We can’t stop our children from receiving the download, but we can talk to our children about our value systems and what is important to us. They do listen, even if you don’t always believe they do. Beun also reminds us that we do have to untie the apron string and, yes, “sometimes, we do have to let them work things out for themselves.”

So if nothing else today, realize that your teen knows more than you think and that even so, it will be okay. Teens have to deal with knowledge beyond their maturity whether we or they like it or not. It’s the world we live in. As parents and caregivers, we can help them process and deal with mature subject matter by listening, responding and answering tough questions.

Thanks, Addy, for helping me address a much-needed subject matter.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
info@allynevans.com

Do You Know Where You Are Going To?

Recently a song has been playing repeatedly in my head.

It starts: “Do you know where you are going to?”

It continues with lyrics that ask listeners if they are pleased with “what life is showing” them.

This song reminds me how important it is to have a reason to get out of bed every morning. Not only adults need a reason.

Tweens and teens need one, too.

The other night I caught another episode of World’s Strictest Parents. The host parent wanted to know what the eighteen-year-old had in mind for his future. The young man didn’t have a clue.

He said: “In school, I just skated by. In the classes I liked, I did well. In the classes I didn’t like, I didn’t.” The mother for the week told him, “That’s life. Sometimes you have to do things that aren’t fun.”

It reminded me of the time my daughter asked me how I could be having a good time doing laundry.

Most of the teens, if not all of them, who are featured on this show don’t seem to be involved in organized sports or activities.

If you happen to have a child who is just not that in to sports or group-related activities, you have a little more work cut out for you. Don’t fret over this. Simply understand that you might have a bigger challenge to fill in that gap and help them learn the valuable lessons organized sports and activities have to offer. There are other ways to do that.

I remember years ago watching a Dr. Phil show that provided an answer. Dr. Phil was helping troubled teens. His answer: Help children find a deeper purpose for their lives—you know, meaning.

This is easier said than done in some cases, but typically children do have ideas of what they like and dislike. Maybe they love photography or art. Maybe they are the family musician. It’s just a matter of helping that child discover what that might be.

Maybe your child has always wanted to learn a new language. My daughter told me about three years ago that she wanted to learn Japanese.

“Really,” I said, not understanding why in the world she would want to do that.

Several people advised me that I should insist she learn Chinese instead because knowing Chinese would benefit her more when she grew up. I didn’t follow this guidance because I knew my daughter’s interest wasn’t about what would help her land the best future job. It was about an interest in learning the Japanese language, which she is still pursuing today. Of course, I just might have to give Pokemon and Digimon all the credit!

We also volunteer at the local Humane Society. There are many, many opportunities that provide a means to discover interests, passions and skills, which serve to give children ideas about their future—what excites them, bores them and inspires them.

To help your children find a home—a place where their skills, talents and interests can be tapped into—is the goal. Not all children fit the same mold. And you might not always like the hobby or interest being pursued. Let your child try different things. Having a goal—to learn Japanese—might seem crazy to you and maybe your child will start and decide it’s not really an interest. It’s in the pursuit that your child will find answers.

Bottom line: All children need something bigger than themselves. Whether that be a sports team, an orchestra performance or walking homeless dogs, all children need a reason to be.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
Email me!

I Messed Up!

We’re all human.

We all make mistakes.

While sitting here writing this article, I can recall many of the mistakes I’ve made in my lifetime.

More importantly, I also remember how I felt.

My first recollection of making mistakes involved the dinner table. I remember knocking over tea glasses or breaking plates.

As I grew, my mishaps became more expensive. The world of work set me up for many missteps. Early in my career I fried a copy machine using the wrong kind of transparency slides. Cost: $600.

Not too long ago I really outdid myself. I decided to hang a window ornament above a window. I picked a place on the frame for the nail to go and then began to hammer away. I’m sure you can see where this story is going. Yes, after about three bangs, the full length glass pane window shattered. That little mistake cost me one big mess and $350.

Not all mistakes have a monetary value tied to them, but most have some consequences. I have many memories of messing up at work—reporting inaccurate data or releasing information peppered with typos and mistakes. Mistakes can humiliate and embarrass us, if we let them.

Teaching our children how to deal with accidents and mistakes is important.

Many children are afraid of making mistakes. They tie mistake-making with being bad. I can see where this idea comes from because even in the world of work, when I made a mistake, I mostly felt ashamed and yes, like a bad child who needed to be punished.

As I blundered through my young adult life I’m not sure why I didn’t realize every other person walking on the planet had made mistakes too.

When talking to our children about this very topic maybe we should take a page from motivational speaker Zig Ziglar. "A big shot is just a little shot that kept shooting."

You have a long list of famous quotations you could pull out like: “There is no point crying over spilled milk.” Or, “Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” Or what about a quotation attributed to Albert Einstein: “Anyone who had never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

Something else to teach our children…after a mistake is made it is important to fess up to it. Model this behavior. It’s important to take responsibility for what we have done whether it be an accident or not. Teaching accountability will help your children better navigate their humanness.

I have mentioned before the story of Randy Pausch, the late computer science professor who wrote a book titled: The Last Lecture. If you haven’t already checked out this book, it is on my list of recommended reads.

At one point in his story, Randy told readers to: “Saddle up and ride.” That’s what we can tell our children too. After the milk is spilled, then there really is no other pertinent message. After a mistake is made, our children need to understand that we can find solutions to fix our problems. Truth: You can’t change what has already happened. But what you can do is learn from what has happened and make better choices moving forward.

As the story goes, Thomas Edison made several thousand attempts before he found success building his first light bulb. Later Edison reportedly said: “I have not failed. I’ve discovered ten thousand ways that don’t work.” Helping our children understand that making mistakes is more about learning how to improve ourselves and our lives is a valuable, valuable lesson to teach.

Allyn Evans
Email me!
www.thealertparent.com