Mister Rogers Got It Right!

Annie Fox (http://www.anniefox.com/) is an advice columnist for tweens, tweens and parents. One of Annie’s blog posts caught my attention.

“Good ol’ Mr. Rogers knew what he was singing about when he was putting on his sneakers: ‘I mean I might just make mistakes if I should have to hurry up and so I like to take my time.’ To Mr. Rogers’ credit, that guy could really focus on one thing at a time,” Annie wrote.

This summer, I began a project that is slowly, but surely changing the pace of my life. My life is picking up speed very quickly. This is a good thing. I am most excited about the project.

But Annie’s words hit me hard. She wrote, “Recently I’m becoming more aware of how cranky, stressed and distracted I get when I try to do a whole lot of stuff at once. So I’m trying to slow down and zero in.”

She added, “But it ain’t easy.” With this, I agree.

Like Annie, I realized that when life speeds up what seems to disappear first is our ability to stop and pay attention to those around us—like our children and significant others.

In my own world, my attention is turning more towards my project and assignments, so it is imperative that I continue to bring myself back to the present moment and what is in front of me.

Annie’s wrote about the need to pay attention to those important people in our lives. From my own observation—based on what is happening in my own life—I felt the message timely.

Annie regularly receives emails from tweens and teens who tell her, “My parents don’t listen.” I know from the feedback I get that many caregivers have much on their plate. But no matter how busy we are, it’s imperative that we keep our relationships with our family members front and foremost in our lives.

Annie advises parents, “We’d all like to improve parent-teen communication but we can’t do our part when we’re busy with six other things or even one other thing.”

I agree with Annie when she says it’s not about dropping everything to listen to your child all hours of the day. It’s more about taking moments to listen—to fully focus on your children and what they are saying.

What it’s not, as Annie says, “is a shift into an unconscious auto-listening thing, ‘Uh huh. Uh huh.’”

Annie offered tips. Click here to read her article. Here’s my personalized version of Annie’s suggestions explaining why full-focused listening can pay off:

1. It’s Respectful. Healthy communication means trust and respect flows both ways. When my daughter’s tone is disrespectful, there are consequences. When I am disrespectful to her (yes, parents do mess up too), I apologize. Sometimes, though, I don’t realize she thinks I am being disrespectful. So, I give Addy permission to tell me (in a respectful way, of course), when she feels disrespected.

2. You Are Giving Them the Message—You Have Something Valuable to Say.

3. You Are Modeling Effective Communication Techniques. Give them eye contact. Ask them to do the same. Give them 100% of your attention. If the timing is bad and you really do need to delay the conversation, explain. Set a time and then follow through with it.

The goal—improved communication with your child. The caveat: Stopping to listen more doesn’t guarantee all problems are solved and complete harmony will be found. But taking time to give full-focused attention will pay off in the long run. For you. Your child. And your long-term relationship.

Allyn Evans
email me!
http://www.thealertparent.com/

Technorati Tags:
Allyn Evans, Annie Fox, Mr. Rogers, Parenting, Teens
Add to: Technorati Digg del.icio.us Yahoo BlinkList Spurl reddit Furl

A few days ago, I got a call from my friend Marg who told me she was furious with her 15-year-old daughter. “You will never believe what Shelia told me!”

“We were out shopping. Getting a winter coat and shoes, which she needed. Then she had the gall to tell me she needed more clothes. We had done the back-to-school shopping thing only a few months ago. She didn’t need more clothes.” In addition, Marg had two other children to “dress” for school.

Shelia told Marg, “Mom, I need to have a six-week-rotation.”

Marg couldn’t help wondering why her child’s concept of material goods had gone so far askew.
“What’s a six-week-rotation?” I asked.

Exasperated, Marg explained. “It means she wants to wear an outfit once every six weeks.”
Is something terribly wrong with that picture?

If you want proof this is NOT an isolated incident, all you have to do is turn on your TV set. Shows like Gossip Girl, The Hills, Housewives and My Super Sweet 16 tell the same story and give teens the same message. “More is better.”

You might recall my mention of some My Super Sweet 16 princesses and their unrealistic requests—requests that were fulfilled by their parents.

Remember Priscilla? She went to the dentist to remove her braces before the big event to the tune of $1,000, only to put them back on again the following week.

Then there was the soon-to-be 16-year-old who was allotted $300,000 to plan her party. And another who trekked cross country to purchase the perfect party dress for $8,200. What about the girl who hails from Memphis? Her parents gave her a custom $125,000+ Hummer. She wanted to add a chandelier.

Yes, something is terribly wrong with that picture.

Marg and I are not the only ones who think this. Researcher/Marketing Professor, Deborah Roedder John (University of Minnesota) believes materialism is directly tied to self-esteem.

"The level of materialism in teens is directly driven by self-esteem," said John. "When self-esteem drops as children enter adolescence, materialism peaks. Then by late adolescence, when self-esteem rebounds, their materialism drops." In a radio interview John explained materialism in teens is a coping mechanism.

An interesting study conducted by Harris Interactive (2006) in which John was involved surveyed 1,213 U.S. tweens and teens. The results showed children ages 8 to 18 really love to buy things. So much so that “buying things” is at the top of their list of things they love to do. Seventy-one percent reported they would be happier, if only they had more money to buy more things.

If we accept John’s contention—that a child’s opinion of him or her self is the driving force behind materialism—we have a means to counter. Plus, we also understand as a child grows older (and thus becomes more self assured), this over-the-top desire to shop and buy will hopefully lessen.

Quite possibly, your child’s biggest challenge is how she views and criticizes herself. Being able to re-direct this type of self-deprecating behavior is a major step in the right direction.

And it can’t hurt to keep an open dialogue going about what things costs and how much time it takes to earn, say $300. “I have to work all day to pay for that.”

We can help our children value themselves more, help them discover and use their strengths. Just like an adult, a child finds more self value when helping others and being productive.

Allyn Evans
Email me!
www.thealertparent.com

Technorati Tags:
Six Week Rotation, Allyn Evans, Alert Parent, Entitlement
Add to: Technorati Digg del.icio.us Yahoo BlinkList Spurl reddit Furl

Remember Lenore Skenazy—the lady who allowed her nine-year-old child to ride the subway home alone with a quarter in his pocket?

She was recently on TV talking about overboard parents and a new safety device on the market called the Little Buddy Tracker.


The ads for the Tracker say it “keeps tabs on your child at all times, it combines GPS with cellular technology to provide parents with real-time location updates.”

Lenore said we were blowing our worries about our children way out of proportion and that keeping relentless tags on them through GPS reinforces the paranoia of both parents and children that is endemic in today’s culture.

That paranoia also warns us that if anything happens to our children, then we are at fault.

The commentator, who must have children, shot back something like, “But I report real-life tragedies every day.”

Maria Andreu of a New Jersey publication (www.NJ.com of the The Star-Ledger) debated the use of the Little Buddy Tracker in a recent article.

Maria is a proponent of the Free Range Kids movement, founded by Lenore. Free Range parents believe our kids should experience the same freedom kids did up through the 1970s. Maria said, “So when I first heard about the Little Buddy Tracker, I thought, “Wow, where do I get one of those?”

Her debate about whether to buy or not centered around her desire to allow her children to be more “grown-up.” Her 8- and 9-year-old children had been asking if they could walk 10 blocks to school.

Maria said that at 10 she was walking to and from school several miles away. She continued, also reported only six months later she was the official babysitter for her newborn brother. My story is similar. By the time I was 11, I rode my bike all over town. All the kids I knew did, too.

Still, my attention immediately turned to the sad story of the 7-year-old Florida girl who briefly ran ahead of her siblings as they were all walking home from school. She was abducted and killed. I think Lenora would say that was an isolated case.

A few years ago, I might have immediately purchased a Little Buddy Tracker. Sorry, Lenore.

There’s still a part of me that’s thinking for only 100.00 bucks, it certainly might be worth the investment, although I wouldn’t be using it the way it is advertised.

According to the product information, you can “establish specific times and locations where your child is supposed to be — for example, in school — causing the device to alert you with a text message if your child leaves the designated area during that time.” My use of it would be more for tracking—you know, if my child came up missing.

As I found myself considering the purchase of this new device, I realized it meant that I had allowed this big scary world to dictate how I approach child safety issues. This isn’t groundbreaking or earth-shattering news. What it is…is the truth.

According to the responses on Lenore’s website (http://freerangekids.wordpress.com), many parents struggle with how to foster their children’s independence in spite of the very scary news presented by the media.

The Little Buddy Tracker might help one parent relax and give her child a bit more leeway while turning another into a stalker mom. Maria finished her article by saying she’s was not sure if she would buy this device. Since my daughter is more teenager than not, I think I’ll pass. Hope I don’t live to regret this one.

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
email me!


Technorati Tags:
Buddy Tracker, Allyn Evans, Lenore Skenazy
Add to: | Technorati | Digg | del.icio.us | Yahoo | BlinkList | Spurl | reddit | Furl |

Because I Said So!

I caught the end of yet another episode of World’s Strictest Parents—the good part where parents retrieved their child and the teens showed gratitude and weren’t whining.

For the most part, the parents appeared to be warm, loving and supportive. With seven episodes under my belt, I’d been wondering how things go so terribly wrong.

This time I had an answer. Permissiveness.

What is permissive parenting? Child Psychologist Kenneth Condrell explains the concept well in an article written for Fisher-Price.

He says, “Let’s start with the mom waiting for her 5-year-old son to return home after his first day of kindergarten. As he comes down the steps of the school bus, he is greeted by his mom who is so excited to see him up to the point where he kicks her.

Though the kick is painful and a shock, the mom says to her son, “Robert, why are you so angry?

You know it’s not nice to kick your mom.”Condrell explains: “This mother’s response is permissive and indulgent because it totally dismisses how her child’s behavior affected her, and she doesn’t tell him that his behavior will not be tolerated.”

I thought of Condrell’s example when the parents who arrived to pick up their children from the host families all seemed to be singing the same song to their child. The song went like this: “You hurt me. You are mean to me. You abuse me.”

The light bulb went off: They are the parents whose child kicked them when he was five.

Now that the pain has reached an intolerable point they are saying, “This hurts!”
But they aren’t sure how to fix things. Permissive patterns have been established and are difficult to change.

What’s a permissive parent to do?

Researchers continually tell us that the Authoritative Style of parenting is ideal. Authoritative parents set rules and expect their children to follow them, though the parents understand, as CMT’s website cautioned last week, that the home is not a military academy. Flexibility is required. Other key ingredients include the willingness to listen to your child and being loving, supportive and understanding.

There are actually two phases to this style. With a child fast approaching thirteen, I am already wading in the second phase. As the child grows, a shift needs to take place. More freedoms are allowed as long as trust is maintained, so that the child can become an emotionally healthy, productive adult.

My personality is far better suited to be permissive. It’s my guess that it’s parents like me—parents who love and support their child, but who have a personality not suited or ideal for setting boundaries, saying no and disappointing their child—whose kids end up on World’s Strictest Parents.

If you know this about yourself, you must work around it. I have help. I am married to someone who supports the authoritative approach. I have other tactics I use, too. I create schedules and calendars. In the middle of saying ‘no,’ I remind myself everything will be okay and I have to stick to my guns.

The parents of the teens on the World’s Strictest have given me new vigor for what I must continue to do for at least six more years.

Every time I find it hard to say no, I will remember where permissiveness leads: to teens who backtalk and cuss, who don’t respect authority, who avoid work and who think certain jobs are beneath them.

It leads to children who don’t appreciate or value you or your resources. Bottom line: Permissive parenting leads to TROUBLE.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
Email me!

World Strickest Parents. Casting Call!

A couple of weekends ago, Addy and I watched a marathon of CMT and MTV’s World’s Strictest Parents.

The show is yet another way of “showing-by-example” unacceptable behaviors of teenagers.

Before I get to my story, I wanted to share that a few weeks after printing this articles in the newspaper, I received an email from CMT's casting director, Tamra. She said, "I came across your article in the Magnolia Gazette and hoped that you could include casting information for the show."

Casting will continue through February of 2010. And turns out that World's Strickest Parents casting team need more host families.

Tamra also said, "It is often hard to believe that a teen can change in one week, but during that week seeds are planted for a new future. Many teens and families continue to stay in contact well after the show is over." Here is the casting information: World’s Strictest Parents Casting, hotline: (888) 41-TEENS. You can email by clicking on the link or find out additional information by visiting the website.

Back to my article...

Each episode documents the time that two uncontrollable teens must abide by the rules of strict host families. Most of the host families that we watched lived on farms, which meant not only were there rules to follow, there was work to be done. I think I heard a total of twelve teenagers say, “I hate work.”

All of them resisted doing chores and any menial labor. One even announced to the cameras that when she grew up she’d have a maid and other staff to do her bidding.

In the beginning there was way too much whining. When the teenagers weren’t whining, they were breaking the rules. This pattern would continue for a few days until the kids would settle into the new routine and structure. All but one of the twelve teens stuck it out and seemed to be taking major steps in the right direction.

As they were returning to their families, most of the teens reported a renewed respect and appreciation for their parents. Many pledged that their lives would be different and that they would make strides to improve.

I was amazed by the hosts’ ability to deal with difficult people. While some did seem to be way over-the-top, most offered troubled teens a warm, loving environment heavy on chores and accountability.

When a child broke the rules, he or she was punished. In one show, although warned that a rule violation meant the worst-on-the-farm chores, two teenagers decided to go joyriding in one of the work trucks. The next morning the pair had to clean out stables packed full of manure.

On their website CMT staffers included some suggestions to parents. Although their advice is peppered with jokes and fun, what’s offered can be helpful to anyone parenting a teen. They remind parents while there is a need for rules, home is not a military academy. They also suggest offering encouragement—that the parents’ goal is help their children bloom.

As I see it we also have another goal: we are charged with the mission of helping our offspring become productive members of society.

In one of the episodes an eighteen-year-old boy said he wanted to be a chef. When asked by a host parent what plans he had to make his dream a reality, the teen shrugged his shoulders. He had no clue. No plan. Clearly no understanding of how the process of becoming a chef might work.

By the time he left the host parents’ home, he seemed to understand this valuable lesson, and pledged to make a plan toward making his dream come true.

Probably the most important advice from the CMT website is that parents must learn to say no.

I am one of those parents who would rather not upset my child, but not learning how to say ‘no’ means the door for ‘maybe’ is always open. If teenagers believe that every no is a maybe, they will continue to work on you—to wear you down—until your ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ is a ‘yes’.

This creates a no-win situation and sets them up to be adults who use this tactic on loved ones and in professional situations. Teenagers need caregivers to set limits, which will in turn help them build the self-control muscle.

Watching The World’s Strictest Parent with your teen can help begin a dialogue about work, values, accountability, and his or her hopes for the future.

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/
info@allynevans.com

The other night Addy and I are watching a program on HGTV. Designers were helping families in the military.

The mother of one family said to the interviewer: “We spend all our time in the den. We play games, watch TV and oh, we use it constantly for therapy sessions. I have two autistic children.”

Addy took note. “What’s autistic mean?”

I explained as best I could. “It’s a neurological disorder.”

From my own experience of observing children diagnosed with autism, I added, “They can be overly sensitive to the physical world. They’re often agitated by anything they perceive through their senses—hearing, seeing, touching, smelling. Some autistic people might make habitual body motions, rocking, for example, or have attachment to certain objects. They prefer routine and get upset when the routine is disrupted.”

That very same week, Addy and I talked to a college student who helped an autistic child. The conversation reminded me of the article I had written about Kim Hix and her 10-year-old son who was diagnosed with a neuropsychiatric disability. We dug up that article for Addy to read. Then I showed her my latest blog post featuring Chynna Laird and her daughter Jamie.

Statistics indicate many families are raising children with disabilities. According to the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry between 7 to 12 million children suffer from behavioral, mental or developmental disorders, and these numbers don’t reflect physical disabilities or other maladies. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs), like Autism, Aspergers and ADHD, affect an estimated two to six per 1,000 children.

At the age of two, Jamie was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).
Chynna said, “Honestly, I’d never heard of SPD. I’d heard of Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD but not this mysterious SPD.”

Chynna described her symptoms. “She rarely slept, fought us with every simple hygiene task tooth and nail, spent most of her awake time screaming and refused our touch.” Jamie’s mother said it was difficult to take her places, “Anywhere too busy, loud, smelly, bright, etc. made her break down or freeze.”

Chynna explained, “A lot of people call SPD an ‘invisible disorder’ because you can’t see it on a child’s face or body. The only glimmer that something is wrong is their reactions to people, situations, and events and that they often have to try just a bit harder to bounce a ball, play sports like stick hockey or ice skate or concentrate.”

Chynna Laird wrote I’m Not Weird, I have SPD to help others who are experiencing similar challenges. That was why Kim Hix wrote No One Is Perfect and You Are a Great Kid.

Besides the stories of Chynna and Kim, there are many resources available including associations and foundations that provide information and support to people and families. I found a long list simply by searching Google. One source is Children with Disabilities. Another resource is The National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities. Forever Families also offers information and resources for families.

Although their stories aren’t quite the same, Chynna and Kim faced their challenges in a similar matter. Both were proactive, searching for answers that made sense. The women deliver a powerful message. Chynna told me: “Jaimie is my sensational child—my miracle girl.”

Kim said something in her original article that I think bears repeating. “It is my hope that other children realize that despite any disabilities they may have that they too possess strengths and gifts. A disability does not make a person, it is simply a part of who he or she is.”

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/
Email me!

Emma's Inspirations

Sandie Lee, former editor for Families Matter , featured the story of Emma. “Each year, millions of children face danger and injury because of being left in vehicles unattended,” Sandie wrote.

We’ve all read the headlines and been horrified. We realize how easy this could happen—even to the best of caregivers. In our go-go, sleep deprived world, children are left in unattended cars more than we’d like to think.

According to Jan Null (San Francisco State University), there have already been 30 deaths of infants this year due to having been left in a hot vehicle.

In 2008, there were 43 deaths. Since 1998 there have been a total of 442 recorded infant fatalities due to having been left unattended in vehicles. Temperatures don’t have to be in the 90’s to be life-threatening.

Temperatures as mild as the 70’s can be fatal. It’s probably not surprising that the majority of deaths are clustered in southern and southwestern states: Florida, Arizona and Texas, as examples.

According to Sandie who is currently Blog Editor of Bumples Family First, "Barbara left her child in an SUV. Fortunately for Barbara and her daughter Emma, her story had a positive outcome and Barbara used the experience to create a helpful product for caregivers.

In the Families Matters article Barbara explained, “When our daughter Emma was an infant, we moved into our new house. As we pulled into the driveway, we all became very excited and quickly left the car to see the house. There was so much to be done that everyone went off in different directions.

“I had assumed that my husband had Emma, and he thought that it was me who had brought her inside. Making the assumption that everything was okay, we all went about moving into our new home. In a sudden moment of panic we realized that our baby girl wasn’t even in the house. Nearly forty-five minutes after we had arrived, we rushed to our car for Emma.

“The sun was high in the sky, and it was sweltering in the car. We were very lucky. I thank God that my older son had cracked open the back window on the ride up because he was carsick, or Emma may not have become the vibrant six-year-old she is today!”

After the event Barbara was created Emma’s Inspirations, a decal (a new car window static-cling sticker) that provides a visual reminder to the driver that a child could still be in the backseat. To dole out responsibility, Emma’s inspiration includes four decals designed to adhere to the inside of the window and facing out.

Suggested placements are on the driver, passenger and rear door windows. For order information visit Emma’s Inspirations, which also has decals for pet owners, too.

Jan Null posted safety recommendations on her site. She leads off her list with instructions to never leave a child unattended. Her advice is telling us something we already know. It’s highly unlikely a child is left alone purposefully.

Points worth repeating:
1. If you see a child unattended in a hot vehicle call 911. Don’t hesitate to take action.
2. Always lock your car. This prevents a child from climbing in by him or herself. Teach your children that vehicles are never to be used for play.
3. Make “look before you leave” a routine whenever you get out of your car.
4. Have a plan that your childcare provider will call you if your child does not show up for school.

Enhancing the decal idea, keep a stuffed animal in the carseat. When you place the child in the carseat, put the stuffed animal in the front with the driver.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
Email me!