Because I Said So

“I overheard some girls talking about how much they hated their parents,” my daughter told me.

I knew a few of the targets were really good parents, and suspected the ones I didn’t know were too.

What makes children claim they hate their parents? While there can be serious issues hidden behind closed doors, for many the “hate” comes from the caregivers’ role—restricting activities and constantly telling children what and what not to do and when to do it.

Not long ago several girls at my daughter’s school got in trouble for cutting themselves—one child was mad at her parents for grounding her and not allowing her to see her boyfriend.

Another child also blamed her parents: “They expect too much from me,” she told friends.
All parents and children have a similar dynamic going on—parents restrict, nag and sometimes yell, children try to break free. But it’s been my observation some parents and children seem to still have solid relationships while others are continually at odds.

How do we balance being the disciplinarian and a loved and respected caregiver?

How do we balance our job of restricting and allowing freedom while keeping our child safe and emotionally healthy?

And isn’t part of restricting and making rules enough to make a child declare “I hate you” at times?

An expression of intense hatred or self-mutilation demands we evaluate what we are doing. If I found myself in this situation, I would seek expert counsel for me and my child.

For the rest of us—who are dealing with every day issues and the normal vicissitudes of life—what is the best way to restrict, discipline and nurture our children?

Over the years research demonstrates the best parenting style is an authoritative style. Using this style means directing our children’s activities in a rational manner. It involves communication and requires a caregiver to give reasons for decisions as well as listen to the child’s objections or concerns.

It may be the toughest style to use—it requires establishing rules and controls while not hemming in the child with restrictions and no choices. This style combines warmth, nurturing and love with controls and rules—but rules that can be flexible when reason or a situation demands a different scenario.

Truth be told, I tend to be authoritative with tendencies toward permissiveness. My problems arise because I dislike schedules and rules, and get tired of playing nag. This means I have to fight a tendency to not demand enough.

Because I recognize this about myself, I create follow up systems or reminders for myself.

Thankfully, my husband is a walking model of authoritative parenting, which also helps.

To be more authoritative, practice being demanding. Create and enforce rules and have expectations about what will and will not be done—like chores or curfew. Be responsive to your children.

When they need your attention and/or help, be available. As your children grow, you’ll need to give them more freedom. Establish consequences, if the child violates the ground rules, but do allow a re-testing of the waters again when appropriate.

Parents really do have so many lessons to teach and behaviors to correct, while keeping their children safe. Being in control while not being overly restrictive requires discipline and attention from the parent not just for the child, but for herself.

And the reward for balancing our job of restricting and allowing freedom? Keeping our children safe and emotionally healthy, while enjoying them as they grow and develop into adults.

© Allyn Evans 2009

If you wish to use this article on your web site or in your E-magazine, you are welcome to, as long as you include my bio with it: Allyn Evans is author of Live a Powerful Life (originally titled, Grab the Queen Power: Live Your Best Life), as well as the upcoming How to Help Your Daughter Live a Powerful Life. Allyn is a professional speaker on teens/tweens, a paid consultant, presenter and advisor. She has been published in numerous print and on-line venues, including inclusion in Be the Star You Are! For Teens. Currently, her column runs in Metro Family, the Bolivar Commercial, the Magnolia Gazette and Today's Mississippi Woman.

Contact Information
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Allyn Evans
email me
http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.allynevans.blogspot.com/
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I Wannabe Famous

There’s a song with a repeating chorus line: “I wannabe famous.” This song talks about being a “hot topic”. The song’s gist is that others are always watching you, with the idea that it’s not a good thing to be nameless or unknown.

In a previous column, I talked about a disturbing trend investigated by author Jake Halpern. In his book Fame Junkies: The Hidden Truths Behind America's Favorite Addiction he reported the results of a survey given to 653 middle school children.

He asked, “Given the choice of becoming the CEO of a major corporation, the president of Yale or Harvard, a Navy Seal, a US Senator or the personal assistant to a very famous singer or movie star, what would you want to be?” Almost half of the girls (43.4 percent) selected the assistant role. Why? Halpern theorizes, “If they can't be famous themselves, they can at least ‘smell the red carpet.’”

Reality TV shows on networks like MTV and VH1 don’t help reign in the dreams of our little ones. Flip channels and you can find show after show demonstrating to our children that one can be famous without having any talent or skill to offer audiences.

Viewers also witness that self-indulgent people gain more fame by being obnoxious, insensitive and self-absorbed. And Halpern’s research tells us that teens who regularly watched celebrity-oriented TV shows tended to be more likely than their peers to believe they would be famous

CNN journalist Todd Leopold says, “Put these wildly popular shows in the context of an individualistic youth culture with an increasing sense of personal entitlement, and fame almost becomes a birthright.”

Twenty-nine percent of children on a recent survey wanted to be famous. Nothing shocking there. This is the “American Idol Generation.” Certainly we can agree that childhood is in some ways narcissitic by it’s very nature. Children typically do feel entitled. Think Santa here. Our challenge is to help our children outgrow the entitlement phase.

Research tells us that the best way to do this is to put our children to work!

Doling out chores (yes, some without pay) is a good way to help a child be grounded. Doing volunteer work is another.

Author and Consultant Janet Nusbaum (AKA the Organizing Genie) tells us “By proactively reminding children that their contributions (such as in chores) are necessary, expected and appreciated, children will develop a sense of belonging to something larger than themselves, become confident and secure in themselves, their environment, their place in the home and in society.”

Isn’t that what it really is all about?

But here’s where parents must be careful. It’s also important to nurture your children’s dreams and aspirations. What if they believe they are the next American Idol?

Some children do grow up to become movie stars, famous singers and professional tennis players. Dreams are fun, but even more fun is developing talents and skills through real-time activities. Talk to your child about their strengths, weaknesses, talents and gifts. Don’t be judge and jury. Help them understand their motivation.

Why do they want to be a personal assistant?

Why do they want to be Miss America?

Don’t discount their ability to succeed. If their desires are backed by interests, talents and gifts, help them seek out opportunities to flourish.

On the other hand, if they tend to be going down the road outlined by Jake Halpern, yearning for fame as identification, help them look at the world around them and find activities that will make them feel good about themselves now. There are countless ways to live interesting, productive lives while using talents and gifts, with or without that spotlight.

Allyn Evans
email me!
http://www.allynevans.com/

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Texting Mania

One night I heard a mother say to a friend, “My child’s phone is never out of her sight. She’s constantly texting—while she eats, reads and visits with friends. The only time she’s not texting is on the softball field.”

“Maybe you need to set more ground rules,” her friend said.

You think?

Later I read about Crystal Wiski—a Scaramento teenager who is an extreme texter, though she’s not the only teen gone texting wild. One Ohio teen sent an average of 15,000 text messages a month (500 messages daily), while balancing texting with good grades and competitive play.

In late 2008, 13-year-old Reina sent 14,528 text messages in one month (484 messages daily). Her texting bill was 440 pages long. Luckily for Reina’s dad, they had the “right” type of plan and weren’t charged 10 cents per minute or they would have paid up $3,000 for the excess. Reina’s excuse: “I am friends with four obsessive texters.”

Back to Crystal—the teen who sent more than 303,000 texts in 30 days. Crystal averaged 10,000 text messages a day, 421 messages an hour and seven texts a minute. The high school student who earns A’s while holding a 40-hour-a-week job said in her defense, “I can’t help it if I’m popular.” The Wiski family had an “unlimited” texting plan in place, thus avoiding a $30,000 tab.

Research reports a majority of teens and almost half the tween population (2008 Neilson Survey) own a phone. Most parents give their children phones for safety reasons. That’s why Addy got her first cell phone before making the leap from elementary to middle school. This same Neilson survey says that the monthly texting average for most kids ages 13 to 17 is a mere 1,742!

What is a safety issue for parents is obviously much more to our children. A 2008 survey of 2000 teens by the wireless trade association, CTIA, and Harris Interactive revealed many teens believe cell phones are as important as clothes. Many teens gauge a peer’s popularity or status simply by the cell phone he or she uses.

More troubling to caregivers is the unhealthy attachment some children have to their cell phones. For them the world revolves around receiving and/or sending a text. At a recent pool party we hosted for tweens, one teenager was so tied to her phone that the minute she heard her “signal,” she would stop the game, jump out of the pool and respond.

To help your children have a healthy relationship with their cell phones, begin with two guidelines for kids:

1. Require all cell phones be turned off before bedtime. Reina’s Dad uses dinnertime as the cut-off. During the school year our off time is 9:00 p.m.

2. After the deadline, detach the child from the cell phone. Addy’s phone goes in a kitchen drawer until the next day.

When I spoke to moms at a Girl Scout event in 2008, many of them confessed they allowed their children to take their cell phones to bed with them. Maybe the zealot texting teenagers mentioned above also had this flexibility and ended up texting half the night away rather than getting a good night’s sleep?

Adults can model detachment. Don’t answer the phone every time it rings. Don’t keep it always in your back pocket. At the end of the day, my phone joins Addy’s in the kitchen drawer where it remains for the night—meaning we all get a good night’s sleep.

It’s a parent’s job to teach technology is a tool as well as a toy—not a lifestyle.

Allyn Evans
email me!
http://www.allynevans.com/

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Girl Pushed, Mom Approved

After Googling gift ideas for my favorite pre-teen this spring, I didn’t want to wait until Christmas to tell you about a list of “Girl Pushed, Mom Approved” products and brands recommended by 108 members of AllyKatzz.com.

(AllyKatzz just happens to be the country’s largest and only Children’s On-line Protection Agency’s compliant safe social networking site for tweenage girls.)

Gift Cards to favorite retailers topped the “Girl Pushed” list, followed by music/CDs. Moms, of course, loved Disney CDs the best. Many of the tweens did, too. If you have questions about music choices, specifically whether lyrics are appropriate for your tween or not, you can easily find them on-line. You know, Google it! Some retailers, including on-line stores, will also allow you to test before you buy.

Not surprisingly Ipod or MP3 players also topped the list. The big winner was Ipod Touch ($229) and Nano ($149). The first Ipod we gave Addy was the Shuffle. Although it has no screen or way to track songs you are playing, it’s more affordable for a first-time gift ($49).

Another favorite gift item was clothing, followed closely by books. Of course, seeing books make the top five made my day. For tweens in late 2008 Twilight, The Clique Series, Dear Dumb Diary, Beacon Street Girls, Petty Little Liars, Nancy Drew and Wicked seemed to be the most popular. Another popular gift request, and it was first on Addy’s list for this year birthday wishes, was a mobile phone. Neither girls nor moms seem to care about the brand. For mom, it was more of practical nature…“what plan are we currently on?” For daughter, it was more about features and color. Pink topped the list and girls listed keyboards and texting capabilities as a must have.

Another favorite listed by girls is a laptop computer. Although many moms reported they approved a laptop purchase, they simply were making other less expensive choices. And hopefully, for those girls who do receive a laptop for their next birthday gift, a conscious parent will be aware of wireless network capabilities and require the computer stay in common areas of the house.

Finishing off the list were cosmetics and hair accessories, video games and systems, digital cameras and DVDs such as Camp Rock and High School Musical.

And although it’s not a birthday gift recommendation, I do have a great tween product recommendation to include.

I had been searching for “bladeless” shaving alternatives for my daughter (chemical hair remover products were too strong and caused rashes. Laser and waxing, which I really like to use, were not “my-child-friendly” options) when my friend and hairstylist asked me, “Have you seen those commercials on TV about the Smooth Away pads that remove hair?”

“Yes, but I don’t believe them.”

“They actually work,” she said. “I will never use a razor again.”

I discovered my local Walgreen’s and Sally’s carried them, and I could also order them on-line. The next day I purchased the pad and the sheets (all under $15) and we tried it out.

The product worked!

No mess, no rashes, no cuts. Smooth Away is an excellent product for pre-teens. It’s safe and gets the job done effectively. The one drawback is time, but can be done while watching TV, talking to friends or reading a book. How does it work? The pad is covered with a sheet of superfine crystals that buffs away unwanted hair while exfoliating skin.

Although we have since switched to a more traditional way to remove hair, I will always be grateful for Smooth Away and I highly recommend it for pre-teens.

Allyn Evans

www.allynevans.blogspot.com

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Oh No Facebook Again!

“Can I please have a Facebook account now, Mom?”

I raised my hand. I didn’t even have to add, “Talk to the hand,” for her to get the message.

She kept talking anyway. “Listen to me. It’s important.”

I listened.

I had known this day was coming, and it had arrived.

Let’s face it. Social networking is one way kids keep connected. Cell phones are typically the first experience and social networking is not far behind. I knew it would be an important social connection for her. I knew that by insisting she not be “connected” with her friends that it could impede her friend-making and networking abilities.

I had already decided that I needed to “allow” her to join the FB ranks the next time she asked. Didn’t and doesn’t take away my concern for her safety, but measures existed to make it work for both of us. I just had to figure them out.

“Okay,” I told her, “…if we can figure out how I can monitor everything.”

She was giddy.

For a full seven days I heard, “Have you figured it out? Have you signed up yet, Mom?” Of course, I was doing everything in my power to put it off. Eventually, I set aside a block of time and got to work on solving the FB challenge.

Here’s how we set up what I consider to be a safe environment for Addy to have her own Facebook account.

I receive a copy of every email notification she receives which includes any external communication from friends or strangers. If you think this is a violation of privacy, get over that idea right now. It’s public information that many others can read, including her teachers and parents of friends/boyfriends and later, her prospective employers.

I also have in my possession her username and password and explained up front that I will use them. If she ever changes them without giving me the keys, we will have a violation of our FB contract. Another condition is that I have to be an “accepted” friend of her network. This doesn’t mean I go posting things on her wall (that’s FB talk for public broadcast). It simply means that she is fully aware that I am looking and evaluating information that is posted on her pages, including words, messages and photographs.

We also have the strictest of privacy settings established. We talk constantly about notifications she’s received and other activities she does on FB.

So how do you get email notifications every time a transaction takes place? You sign your child up to have a gmail.com account and then you set the gmail.com settings to send all the FB generated emails to your e-mail address. If you need specific help doing this, you can visit http://www.thealertparent.com/ and look for “Gmail” articles. There are two—one about Gmail and the other a step-by-step how-to-set-up article.

Interestingly, getting on Facebook—something I have resisted for a long time, by the way—has been fun for me, too. I am catching up with old friends, especially friends from high school. I now know that Pat W. lives in Conway, Keith K. lives in Cleveland and Darryl D.’s kids are talented singers. Several of us have reminisced about our elementary school experience. Yes, it’s an excellent vehicle for connecting. I can see now that if I had continued to forbid Addy from being on FB, I would have denied her an important social experience. No, I wouldn’t have started her any earlier, but I’m glad that we are on FB now. More to follow soon…

Allyn Evans
email me!
http://www.allynevans.com/

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Double Digits

I recently read something a good cyber friend of mine wrote about her daughter turning double digits. I liked it so much I wanted to share with you.

Author Christine Hohlbaum grew up in the States, but now lives in Germany. She’s been writing about family issues for at least a decade and has an informative newsletter, Powerful Families, Powerful Lives. She’s also written a few books and has an upcoming release with St. Martin Press called The Power of Slow.


Double Digits by Christine Hohlbaum

There is nothing like remembering your daughter's tenth birthday to hurl you out of bed at the crack of dawn.

"I forgot to make her cake for school!" I chastised myself as I padded down the stairs. My husband, whose eyes hadn't quite thought of opening yet, mumbled something about time and the power of slow and all the things I'd been telling him about how life can be beautiful when you slow down to smell the roses.

That's all fine and dandy, I thought, except when you've got a cake to make for your daughter's first double-digit birthday.

Within three minutes, I had the thing baking in the oven. My daughter groggily entered the kitchen. Wiping the counter, I acted as if I had the whole thing planned.

"I'll bring the cake during recess, okay Baby?" I smiled with a dash of uncertainty whether my perceptive daughter had noticed I nearly forgot about my promise. She protested about her nickname, something I simply couldn't stop calling her despite her repeated warnings.

She silently ate her breakfast, then got ready for school. After saying good-bye to our early riser son, Jackson, I turned my attention back to my daughter who had managed to get dressed without her customary tween drama.

"I have something to show you..." I said mysteriously. Her eyes lit up in anticipation of an early birthday gift. I rummaged around a box in the basement, then came back up the stairs.
"Close your eyes," I whispered. She held them tightly, then giggled with anticipation. I pressed the photo frame into her hands.

"This is who you were shortly after you came to me," I said. Fighting back a tear, I bravely showed her a picture of her seven-month-old self hugging my head tightly during a day at the park in Boston. Her eyes widened. She had never seen the picture before.
She squeezed me more tightly than usual, then pranced out the door with an affectionate grin.

You will always be my Baby, I thought as I tearfully waved her adieu. She's a double digit girl now, and I cannot help but feel the painful ebb of her essence's departure from me as she flows into the self she will become.

If you’d like to find out more about Christine’s work or sign up for her online newsletter, visit: http://diaryofamother.blogs.com/.

Allyn Evans
info at allynevans.com
http://www.allynevans.com/

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BFF No More

“My daughter’s best friend is shunning her,” a reader wrote. “What is she to do?”

This hard, painful loss of a friend is also painful for the caregiver trying to help the child through a bad situation.

“My daughter sort of put all her eggs in one basket with this friend. She really doesn’t have other friends separate from this child. She’s having a hard time.”

Another person told me she had two daughters who experienced a “shunning” within about two months of each other. Her youngest called her long-time best friend a name in anger. The long-time best friend punished her by alienating the child from all their friends. The mother said, “I don’t know what to do. That child is her life. My child’s world evolves around that child.”

Thinking back to my own childhood experiences, I can look from both perspectives—I remember being shunned and being the shunner. Being shunned is, of course, the painful side. A friend told me recently, “I remember eating lots of lunches by myself in middle school.”

How can parents help a child move past a dying friendship so she can meet new people?

I encouraged the lady who emailed me to talk to her child. “Remind her about all the people who do love and care for her.”

I also suggested that she help her daughter build a wider net of possibilities…like adding an extracurricular activity or finding a club of children with similar interests who might also attend different schools.

For example, my daughter enjoys anima (Japanese cartoons). Because of its growing popularity our local library hosts a biweekly Manga Club, which means she has recently met a new group of children who have a similar interest.

If there is not a group for the child’s interest, the parent might work with the library to start one.

Maybe one of the lessons here is introduce your child to many people in many different environments so he is not completely alone if a friend suddenly decides to change the rules.

Something else I talked to this mom about was coaching her daughter through it. Give your child information that will help him or her deal with the loss. First of all, don’t minimize it. It’s painful to lose a close friend. Next, help your child develop solutions and/or options.

A coaching dialogue might run along these lines: “What do you normally do at lunch?”

Your child might respond, “Sit with Joanie. But that’s not going to work anymore.”

Then help her think about what she can do instead. “You like Rachel, right? Where does she sit?”
The mother I coached worked with her daughter on every situation from arriving to school, to lunch and breaks. “What do you do between classes? What can you do instead?” She also talked to her daughter about looking for new people to befriend.

Probably the hardest lesson for a child (and an adult to learn) is the need to let go of the person who is attempting to pull away. The more you grab, the more the other person will resist. Eventually, the person will get away from you. The best way to keep someone, and there are no guarantees, is to let them go.

After a month, I followed up with the mom. Turns out there was a happy ending to this story—well, at least for now.

We all know that as one lives life, people will come and go. Though it sometimes hurts a lot, it’s true that losing one close relationship opens up opportunities for many more enriching experiences.

http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com

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