Flying With Lap Babies

Recently I flew to Virginia for a business meeting.

My trek from Oklahoma City to Charlottesville took two flights. While on the first leg of my trip and listening to the safety instructions, I started thinking about the lap child seated in front of me.

I pulled out the instruction sheet to see what they were telling parents of little ones to do incase of trouble. The picture demonstrating the recommended technique showed a mother holding on tight while hunched over her baby.

I wondered how many parents in an emergency situation would attempt to strap their child down? And how tragic either way—strapped or holding—would be for parent and child.

When I arrived home, I just happened to read an article by a former flight attendant and cyberfriend of mine on this very subject. Beth Blair (The Vacation Gals) asked readers, “Would you ever sit your child on your lap riding on a roller coaster? How about cruising at 75 mph down the highway?”

She explained the airlines policy, which is any child under the age of two can fly for “free” (in the United States) if they sit on an adult’s lap for the entire flight. Beth said, “Some parents assume that if the airline allows lap children, it must be okay. After all, the airlines are the experts, why would they put any of their passengers in danger?”

I cringed when I read this because I was one of those parents who believed, “Well, it must be okay if they allow it!”

What parents don’t realize is if a plane did crash it would be virtually impossible to hang on to your child. And the force of the impact propels a twenty pound baby into an 80 to 100 pound flying object. Strapping a child to you is also a bad idea.

Beth explains, “If the plane comes to a sudden halt or crash, your body will automatically be thrown forward and forced down, on top of your baby, possibly crushing him.”

Turbulence is also a problem. I remember how difficult it was to simply hang on to Addy when things were calm. Sometimes, the last thing she wanted to do was to sit still in my lap for an extended flight. Forgetting that, turbulence is a regular occurrence and can be rough enough to open overhead bins and throw non-seat-belted adults around.

So what’s a parent to do?

Beth has an answer for that too. “I suggest purchasing a seat for your child the next time you fly.” Parents who purchase seats can also bring a car seat to place (and then be strapped down) in the seat.

In a follow up article, Beth provided another solution to her readers. New on the market is a restraining system for children called CARES (Child Aviation Restraint System). It’s reasonable—only costs $75 and weighs only one pound and will protect a child weighing between 22 and 44 pounds.

To order, simply visit their website: http://www.kidsflysafe.com. Manufactured by an airline seat belt maker, AmSafe Aviation, it is reliable and easy to use. Beth demoed the safety straps and provided instructions:

1. Lower tray table behind child’s seat and slide the red harness over the seat.

2. Pull red loop snug about seat back.

3. Tighten red loop 1″ above child’s shoulders.

4. Insert lap belt through small black loops, buckle lap belt, fasten chest clip.

5. Tighten lap belt and torso harness. 6. Re-stow tray table.

And if you still need to take your car seat…of course you do! Simply check it with your luggage or think about renting one upon your arrival.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
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Eyes Wide Open

Addy was eight-years-old when she became aware that others might be critical of her. It was hard for me to watch.

“First grade is when I started to care about what others thought,” my husband said when we discussed this. As a child I had a similar realization.

I think my awareness of external judgment started in second grade when it was clear that all the other children didn’t have as much arm hair as I did. I cried about it, and even asked my mother to take me to the doctor. The doctor said something like, “You need to dye and cut it regularly.” We tried the trimming thing for a while, but my arms always looked worse—gaps of hair missing were much more obvious than leaving it be.

I had been affected by the ‘good opinion of others’ through my young adulthood. It’s the approval issue. We come out of childhood craving it. We drown out our internal voices because we worry who we are will not match up to the expectations of others and we will be proven unlovable.

Through Addy and her friends, I have an opportunity to again look at these processes. Why do we feel the need to twist ourselves to be like everyone else?

Deb Dunham (http://www.tweenyouandmebook.com/) who also writes about and for tweens and teens wrote an article, I wanted to share with you.

The remaining column is a reprinting of an article posted by Deb on her blog.

Following a discussion about preteen stress, my 11-yr old daughter looked at her 5-year old sister and said, ‘I feel so bad that she’ll have to learn about grownup stuff some day. She’s so oblivious and happy now.’ My tween was reflecting on her own recent transition to a broader awareness.

When girls enter tweenhood, it’s as if their eyes are dilated and suddenly they see much more than they can absorb.

Tweens today are part of an information age that exposes them to mature concepts at an early age. But even with careful censoring of information, tweens become shockingly aware of the bigger world – thanks to their newly emerging self-consciousness.

They begin to see that the world has opinions of them; and they start to favor the judgment of others over their own self-assessment.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, many girls suffer a crisis of confidence between the ages of 11 and 13. This crisis follows them deep into their teen years as evidenced by reports that less than 1/3 of high school girls say they are happy with who they are.

Tweens are receptive to positive input. Parents can take advantage of this receptivity to bolster a tween’s confidence level.

1. Promote a sense of belonging and value. Involve your daughter in family plans. Ask for her opinion and allow her to orchestrate the details of an event.

2. Promote self-reliance and competence. Provide ample developmentally appropriate responsibilities and choices. Promote independent problem-solving. Remember most tweens are not necessarily asking for advice, but instead need to be heard.

3. Be a positive role model. Demonstrate respect by avoiding criticism of yourself and others. Most importantly, take ownership for your own choices by apologizing when necessary.

It’s natural for adolescents to suffer a decline in self-approval as they enter tweenhood. But it’s also possible for them to build confidence and self-love with careful guidance.

Tweens are resilient beings who can do more than survive the challenges of adolescence. Parents can acknowledge the hardships of a preteen and simultaneously expect them to thrive. Every child deserves to enjoy the benefits of self-acceptance. Every child can feel lovable, capable, and valuable.

Thanks Deb for your contribution!

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/

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Life with Challenges

The other night Addy and I are watching a program on HGTV. Designers were helping families in the military.

The mother of one family said to the interviewer: “We spend all our time in the den. We play games, watch TV and oh, we use it constantly for therapy sessions. I have two autistic children.”

Addy took note. “What’s autistic mean?”

I explained as best I could. “It’s a neurological disorder.”

From my own experience of observing children diagnosed with autism, I added, “They can be overly sensitive to the physical world. They’re often agitated by anything they perceive through their senses—hearing, seeing, touching, smelling. Some autistic people might make habitual body motions, rocking, for example, or have attachment to certain objects. They prefer routine and get upset when the routine is disrupted.”

That very same week, Addy and I talked to a college student who helped an autistic child. The conversation reminded me of the article I had written about Kim Hix and her 10-year-old son who was diagnosed with a neuropsychiatric disability.

We dug up that article for Addy to read. Then I showed her my latest blog post featuring Chynna Laird and her daughter Jamie.

Statistics indicate many families are raising children with disabilities. According to the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry between 7 to 12 million children suffer from behavioral, mental or developmental disorders, and these numbers don’t reflect physical disabilities or other maladies. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs), like Autism, Aspergers and ADHD, affect an estimated two to six per 1,000 children.

At the age of two, Jamie was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).
Chynna said, “Honestly, I’d never heard of SPD. I’d heard of Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD but not this mysterious SPD.”

Chynna described her symptoms. “She rarely slept, fought us with every simple hygiene task tooth and nail, spent most of her awake time screaming and refused our touch.” Jamie’s mother said it was difficult to take her places, “Anywhere too busy, loud, smelly, bright, etc. made her break down or freeze.”

Chynna explained, “A lot of people call SPD an ‘invisible disorder’ because you can’t see it on a child’s face or body. The only glimmer that something is wrong is their reactions to people, situations, and events and that they often have to try just a bit harder to bounce a ball, play sports like stick hockey or ice skate or concentrate.”

Chynna Laird wrote I’m Not Weird to help others who are experiencing similar challenges. That was why Kim Hix wrote No One Is Perfect and You Are a Great Kid.

Besides the stories of Chynna and Kim, there are many resources available including associations and foundations that provide information and support to people and families. I found a long list simply by searching Google.

One source is http://www.childrenswithdisabilities.info/. Another resource is The National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities (http://www.nichcy.org/). Forever Families (http://www.foreverfamilies.net/) also offers information and resources for families.

Although their stories aren’t quite the same, Chynna and Kim faced their challenges in a similar matter. Both were proactive, searching for answers that made sense. The women deliver a powerful message. Chynna told me: “Jaimie is my sensational child—my miracle girl.”

Kim said something in her original article that I think bears repeating. “It is my hope that other children realize that despite any disabilities they may have that they too possess strengths and gifts. A disability does not make a person, it is simply a part of who he or she is.”

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
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Secretary Mom

Robin Lewis was recently featured on 20/20’s Helicopter Moms: Hurting or Helping Kids as a very serious Helicopter Mom—a mom who by definition hovers over her children from beginning to end.

Lewis is more along the lines with the Black Hawk version of parenting.

At the controls, she knows all the passwords for her college-age children’s bank accounts and school portals.

She monitors their student email accounts to help them keep up with assignments and communicate with teachers.

She spends hours daily creating individual to-do lists, which she delivers to each son via email. She calls them throughout the day to check on their progress or remind them of tasks. Twice weekly she makes the two hour drive to wash their clothes.

The boys see their mother as being supportive and helpful. One son said: “It's nice to have someone who kind of serves as ... a secretary mom."

The boys are appreciative, but are they learning how to handle their own lives?

According to Helen Johnson, parenting expert and author of the book Don't Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money, they are not. She believes that Lewis and parents like her are sending a message to their kids that screams, “You are not capable.”

This new parenting trend is building its own industry. Many four-year colleges hire Parent Coordinators to handle the “hovercrafters”.

A Parent Coordinator is charged with manning an information hotline and organizing parenting events.

Colleges even offer seminars for students to help them learn to separate from so much control, although many of the millennium generation report they prefer having their top advisors in the middle of their business—handling the tough issues and minor hassles they face. Something is terribly wrong with this picture.

The College Board, a New York-based nonprofit organization that oversees the SAT and Advanced Placement programs, provides information for the parents of entering Freshman. It offers a quiz so parents can see where they fall on the Helicopter scale.

Questions include how many times caregivers contact their college-enrolled child a day, if they have ever contacted a professor on the child’s behalf and if they have written a paper for their child.

Parents who answer too many questions with the wrong answer are told, “We know you mean well, but you've just learned that hovering can be detrimental to your student. Take a deep breath, and check out the books listed below.”

To take the quiz, click here. This site provides a wealth of information, including recommended books.

On the flipside, new research tells us hovering parents can actually be helping their students.

The main message of these new findings is that involved parenting can be a good thing. Checking in, asking about grades and encouraging our college students to stay on top of their work and commitments certainly isn’t overstepping any boundaries.

For a clear delineation of where hovering becomes toxic, heed Johnson’s advice, “You do not take on your children's problems,” Johnson says, “but you talk to them about their problems.”

Learning how to manage one’s own problems and challenges builds a required muscle. If the child never does anything for him or her self, no lesson is learned.

Many times in my young adult life, I wished my parents would handle my problems—talk to my professor about a missed class or call my boss to explain what happened. Thankfully for me, having my parents handle those challenges wasn’t even an option. Unfortunately, for our latest generation of college students and young professionals, it is.

Allyn Evans
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http://www.allynevans.com/

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A Child Who Sleeps Wins!

A few weeks back a video clip for CNN featured author of NutureShock, Po Bronson.

The clip prompted last week’s sleep column, but by the time I had completed my 600-word maximum, I had completely left out any mention of what Po Bronson had to say. And he had lots to say…

In the clip, the CNN anchor took the lead. “Parents, what's the difference between raising an A student and a B student?

Fifteen minutes.

And we're not talking about study time, we're talking about sleep.”

During the interview Po Bronson said, “One school district started an hour later. The SAT scores of the best and brightest went up 200 points.”

You know my stance on the importance of sleep. If only I could go door-to-door every night and collect all cell phones, computers, gaming systems and MP3 players from all the teens in the world. I can’t. What I can do is share information with you that might lead to different choices.

During the interview, Mr. Bronson shared some of the research reported in his book.

Bronson featured a Rhode Island researcher, Dr. Avi Sadeh, a leading expert in the field.

In one study Sadeh asked 77 fourth- and sixth-graders to change their sleep patterns for three nights. Some were asked to stay up longer and some were told to go to bed earlier.

To measure sleep time, each child used a wrist device called an actigraph, which measures sleep activity. After evaluating the results, it was determined that one group did actually sleep thirty minutes more, while the second group slept 31 minutes less.

To see if this made a difference in the child’s ability to perform, neurobiological functioning was tested on the third day. The results were surprising. Sadeh’s conclusions were that a sleepy sixth-grader will be at the same performance level as a rested fourth grader.

Sadeh’s not the only researcher who is reporting the consequences of small sleep differences.

In reference to the “15 minute” remark, two important studies give plenty of ammunition for the importance of sleeping and amounts.

Dr. Kyla Wahlstrom, University of Minnesota, evaluated the sleep habits of more than 7,000 high school students.

Turns out that the A students averaged approximately fifteen more minutes of sleep than the B teens. And the students who made mostly B’s slept about eleven more minutes than the students who made mostly C’s. The C’s slept on average ten more minutes than the D students. What might be even more surprising is that this study replicated the results of a similar study done in Rhode Island of more than 3,000 teens.

A small number of schools are taking sleep researchers seriously by backing up school start times. According to Po Bronson, one of the best known is a school located in Edina, Minnesota. The time changed from 7:25 a.m. to 8:30 a.m.

“In the year preceding the time change, math and verbal SAT scores for the top 10 percent of Edina’s students averaged 1288. A year later, the top 10 percent averaged 1500, an increase that couldn’t be attributed to any other variable.

“Truly flabbergasting,” said Brian O’Reilly, the College Board’s executive director for SAT Program Relations on hearing the results.

Maybe Po Bronson said it best in a 2007 article he wrote for the New York Times. “Parents and educators might remain skeptical about the importance of the lost hour, but the sleep-research community considers the evidence irrefutable. Their convictions hardened as scientists began to understand sleep’s vital role in synthesizing and storing memories.”

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
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A Good's Night Sleep

“I stay up until 2:00 a.m. every night,” one girl told me. Another student piped in, saying she never made it past midnight. These students have to be checked in at school before 8:00 a.m. every weekday.

“What do you do when you stay up?” I asked. They mentioned TV, video games, and Internet. A junior standing nearby added, “Cell phones. I text. My phone sounds at all hours of the night. Lots of my friends are night owls.”

It doesn’t take a brain scientist to figure out that these girls aren’t getting much quality sleep. And according to researchers, that is a serious problem.

Sleep is something we take very seriously at my house. We work hard to have all our activities wrapped up with time to unwind before the bedtime hour arrives. For my 12-year-old daughter, we target nine hours of sleep. More nights than not, that’s exactly what she gets.

In a report written in Science Daily (2009), researchers surveyed 100 middle and high school students to evaluate their sleep patterns. The majority of the students sampled reported having at least a computer (30%), TV (66%), cell phone (90%) or MP3 player (79%) in their room. Results indicated that only 20 percent slept eight or more hours, with eight to nine being the recommended allotment. Thirty percent of the students surveyed reported falling asleep during school.

Lead researcher Calamaro said, “Parents need to discourage teenagers from drinking caffeine past noon time and keep TVs, computers and especially cell phones out of kids’ bedrooms.”

Some interesting information came from a study out of Northwestern University (BioMedicine/Andrea Browning).

The study evaluated 2,281 children ages 3 to 12 with follow-up study on the children when they were 8 to 17. Researchers determined how much sleep a child got by using bedtime and wake-up times.

Turns out children who slept longer had lower BMI (body mass index measures) than the children who did not. Berger explained, “Specifically, the researchers found that sleeping an additional hour reduced young children’s chance of being overweight from 36 percent to 30 percent, while it reduced older children's risk from 34 percent to 30 percent.”

What I gather from this is that sleep issues have important consequences other than just whether or not a person can stay awake or concentrate the next day. There’s much more to it and I will talk about these issues again next week.

How do you know if your teen is getting enough sleep? The National Sleep Foundation says to address the following questions:

1. Does your child have trouble waking up in the morning?
2. Is your child irritable in the afternoon?
3. Does your child fall asleep during the day?
4. Does your child oversleep on the weekend?
5. Does your child have difficulties concentrating or remembering?
6. Does your child report having an interrupted sleep cycle?

Use common sense when making this determination. Look at the facts. How many hours is your child actually sleeping? Then do the math.

Personally, I can answer yes to the first and fourth questions without concern because I know Addy goes to sleep and stays asleep. We talk about how she slept every weekday morning. I also know that there is no TV or computer in her room and the cell phone is tucked away with mine in the kitchen drawer.

Because of the ramifications of not getting enough sleep, the http://www.sleepforkids.org/ website (a service of the National Sleep Foundation) advises: “We need to focus as much on the sleeping half of children’s lives as we do on the waking half.”

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/
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Taking From Others

Addy and I watched “Odd Girl Out,” a movie based on an advice book by the same title and written by Rachel Simmons.

In one scene, several girls are shopping at an expensive store. Vanessa can’t afford to buy the clothes the other girls can, and her best friend Stacy gifts her with some of the clothes. As they are walking out Stacy turns to the girls and says, “I forgot to pay for this scarf. My purse is too small.”

The girls look at one another. Some repeat the “my purse is too small” line. Then they all turn to Vanessa.

Vanessa caves in to the pressure. She sticks the scarf in her oversized bag. She walks out of the store and doesn’t get caught. She leaves the burden of paying for the scarf to someone else; in this case, the merchant who will foot the bill and pass the cost on to other customers, to you and to me.

Stealing happens frequently. Electronic devices and locked cabinets point to a problem massive enough that merchants pay big bucks to hang on to their stuff. Retail stores aren’t the only ones with “stealing” problems. The music industry is still trying to stop the bleeding.

This summer presented several opportunites for Addy and me to review this theme. The first was a few months back while we shopped at Rue 21. Addy wanted to know why the store locked its dressing rooms and why we were limited to how many items we could have in the dressing room.

As I explained, something hit the floor with a thud. It was an electronic tag that had fallen out of a pocket of the shorts she was trying on. I knew what it meant. She didn’t. I explained that someone removed the tag, stuck it in this pocket, then strolled out the door with stolen merchandise.

But stealing isn’t only about intentionally shoplifting. A few weeks before school started, we did our annual back-to-school shopping. At the cash register, I noticed the man didn’t charge us for one of the items.

The thought drifted through my head, “Should I tell?” It was immediately followed by “Not telling is stealing.” I spoke up and paid for all of our merchandise. Addy had the opportunity to learn knowingly taking advantage of other people’s mistakes is also stealing.

A few weeks after that experience, she showed me a CD her friend Mark made for her. I asked what was on it. She named the song and the band. I said, “Addy, that is pirated. We can’t keep it.” When I explained that copying songs you don’t buy was stealing and illegal, she didn’t want the CD anymore. Right then we broke it.

More recently we visited another store, this time to purchase a watch for my husband. We looked at a wide-variety of sports watches and finally selected a medium-priced model. Once home, we realized that the clerk had given us the most expensive watch, but charged us for the mid-priced variety.

This time there was no second-guessing. Addy and I knew immediately our only option was to jump in the car, return to the store and correct the oversight. And that’s exactly what we did.

There is a moral to this line of stories. The moral is that taking something that isn’t ours is stealing. It’s a lesson that our children need to understand. And there are many, many ways to teach it. For starters, use this article and the examples included to teach the children in your life this most important lesson.

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/
Email me!

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