But Everybody Does It!

Here is the Copyright Challenge I promised readers. To read the full article scroll down below the quiz. Enjoy!


The Copyright Challenge

Read each scenario and then decide if the person featured is making the “right” choice when it comes to copyright law protection. Suggest that you spend time talking about this with your child.

1. A friend gets a new CD and wants you to enjoy listening to it too. The friend makes you a copy. She keeps her copy and continues to listen to it. Is this ethical?

2. You love your new CD of your favorite band. You want to protect it and decide to make a copy of it for your own use. You make the copy and put the original in a safe place in your home. Is this ethical?

3. You made a video and you want to upload a song from your favorite band as background. Is this ethical?

4. All your friends in your tight-knit circle have seen the new movie and all love the sound track. You buy one copy of the soundtrack and decide to download it on all their MP3 players. They’ve all paid for the movie so everything is okay, right? Is this ethical?

5. You borrow a movie from the library. You decide to show it to your friends. You invite them over and you have popcorn and sodas as you watch the movie. When you are done, you return the movie to the library. Is this ethical?

Answers to Copyright Law Challenge:

1. No. Making a copy and sharing it with someone else is a copyright law violation.

2. Yes. Only the person who purchases the CD has the right to download to their MP3 player or to burn a copy for personal use.

3. No. In some cases you can be penalized, if discovered. Although some companies are now allowing this to happen in exchange for the advertising it brings them. If you take this risk, it is just that…a risk.

4. No. Paying to see the movie and paying for the sound track of the movie are two different things. Support the artists and purchase the CD! Downloading the CD to everyone’s MP3 player is a violation of copyright laws.

5. Yes. You are using the library as it is intended.

Article: But Everybody Does It!

Many people do not take copyright law seriously. Not only children think it is perfectly okay to rip a CD of the latest movie sound track or their favorite band—adults do, too.

In March, I chaired a conference for an organization known for its educational, self-development and pain management CDs. On the agenda we included a Q&A about ethical behavior concerning copyright laws. Why did we have to do this? Because we had discovered that many thought it was okay to share CDs or MP3 files without paying for the right to use them.

We asked questions like:

1. Your group borrows a CD from the library. You want everyone to have a copy. You make 10 copies and pass them out at the next gathering. Is this ethical?

2. You give a member one of your commercially purchased CDs. You did not make any copies and are giving it as a gift. Is this ethical?

The exercise helped participants have a better grasp of what is legal when it comes to sharing music or proprietary materials. It’s an exercise that you might wish to pursue with your children. So that you don’t have to create your own questions, I have a provided a list of questions at www.thealertparent.com.

Here’s the deal. Copying and sharing the music or work of others is a violation of copyright laws. It is, in fact, stealing.

Some of the confusion for our children might stem from the fact that computer programs exist on the web to help children and adults download music for free. Just because a company provides this service doesn’t make it legal.

And not all music, movie and other industries are just letting people get away with this. Although the music industry seems to have stopped targeting individuals for the time being, they did go after and sue approximately 35,000 people in 2008. One of those individuals “caught” happened to work about 10 minutes away from my home. His payout was in the six-figure range.

Although the music industry is taking a new course of action, it appears independent film makers are targeting the individual.

In March, over 20,000 people have been sued in Washington, DC federal court for copyright infringement. According to the sources of Hollywood Reporter, Eriq Gardner, there are another 30,000 downloaders who are about to be served. Gardner reports in his article (March 30, 2010): “This could be a test run that opens up the floodgates to massive litigation against the millions of individuals who use BitTorrent to download movies.”

What is the law when it comes to copyright? Math and Reading Help for Kids, endorsed by the American Library Association, explains: “The law states that no one may reuse music (or any copyrighted material) without permission from the material's owner. The exception to this is what is known as 'fair use.'”

Reporters, researchers and educators fall under this ‘fair use’ definition and can reuse copyright material as long as they give credit to the owner.

There is a way to download music legally and for little cash. Several on-line sites have offerings that are legal because of licensing agreements. Math and Reading Help for Kids provided the following lists: Apple's iTunes, Napster, eMusic.com, MP3.com, PressPlay, RealOne Music, and Listen.com.

Copyright protection for artists, writers, musicians, filmmakers and others is a big deal. We will do ourselves, our children and all those artists a favor if we take copyright infringement seriously. Caregivers, teachers and grandparents, please take the time to download and give the Copyright Quiz to the children and adults in your life.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
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Sharing What We Believe

Because I believe communicating our values to our children is one of our most important tasks as a parent, I devoted a chapter on values in my upcoming book: Help Your Daughter Live a Powerful Life.

If we believe in hard work, truth, honesty, realness, it’s up to us to make sure our children understand why we feel the way we do.

As they grow and mature, they will step away from some of our values, but will also hang on to others.

I made time to discuss my values with my daughter, and began the discussion with some simplistic advice from The Last Lecture by Carnegie Mellon University computer science professor Randy Pausch, who died of pancreatic cancer. This simple expression of basic truths helped me outline my value discussion with Addy.

“Whether you think you can or can’t, you are right.”

I used this quote to begin our discussion. I wanted her to understand how powerful her beliefs are, and included a conversation about the Little Engine that Could. Addy had heard the story before and didn’t like it, but the example still worked. The point was made.

Along the same lines, we talked about “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.”

I told her stories about Rudy Ruettiger, the 5’6” and 165 pound man who dreamed of playing football at Notre Dame, and Liz Murray, the homeless girl who eventually graduated from Harvard. Both heard many no’s before reaching their goals. Both succeeded beyond their imaginations. These stories are movies and can be rented if you’d like to introduce them to your child.

I told her the story of young Ben Carson, whose mother, Sonya, turned his life around. Sonya had a third grade education and had married when she was 13. Ben’s parents divorced when he was eight years old, and Sonya had to work multiple jobs to support her two boys. When Ben was in fifth grade he had a terrible temper and ranked at the bottom of his class.

Alarmed, Sonya made a commitment to herself and promised she’d change things so that her boys could succeed in life. She allowed them to watch only three television programs weekly. She made them finish homework before they played with friends. She insisted they read two library books a week and write a report on each one. She persisted even though she couldn’t understand what they wrote.

Within two weeks of starting the new regime, Ben astonished his classmates by naming rock samples the teacher brought to class. The event changed his life. Ben understood he wasn’t stupid. He suddenly hungered for knowledge. Ben now had a chance to be something, simply because his young, uneducated mother was determined to give her children a different life—one that would be better than her own. She wouldn’t give up. She kept making changes until something worked.

Turns out that the dumbest kid in the fifth grade, Ben Carson, grew up to become the youngest Chief of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins University Hospital.

These stories can lead to discussions about “brick walls” and what to do when you run into one, about how important it is to never give up when it matters to you.

We concluded with “Life isn’t fair.” We talked about what to do when faced with an unfair situation, but more importantly, I emphasized that in our family we believe sometimes the only thing you can do is: “Saddle up and ride.”

What inspires you? Why? Use books, movies and everyday encounters to share your values with your child.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
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The Power of Choice

When writing my soon-to-be-released book: Helping Our Daughters Live a Powerful Life, I asked my newsletter subscribers to contribute.

One of my subscribers shared with me:

“For a long, long time I let those societal restrictions influence me to believe that what really mattered was the destination, even though I knew deep down that the quotation I used in my high school year book was what I ought to believe in: ‘Life is not a having and a getting, but a being and becoming.’ My children are also on a journey of being and becoming…change is always happening, always possible.”

What we need to help our children understand is that change comes because of choice.

There is an anonymous quotation I love that reminds us of how important the power of choice is: "It is very important you remember you have choices. It’s so important you simply can’t forget it."

When we think about making choices and then explaining this concept to our children, we need to buy in to what making choices means for them.

As author Shad Helmstetter in The Gift: The 12 Greatest Gifts of Personal Growth reminded us, “it’s usually the smallest choices we make that affect us the most.”

It’s important to remember this as a transition from making all choices for our children to allowing them to make age-appropriate ones. Making choices is a big part of defining self.

Help your children understand that as they grow they need to rely more on themselves. Explain the benefit of getting input from others but also make clear the caveat. Others give you advice based on their own experiences.

Teaching your children to trust their instincts—their gut feelings—is the best ammunition.

There’s more we need to understand and help our children understand. There are no wrong decisions. Decisions have results. Those results can bring us joy, but sometimes they bring us pain and sadness.

In an article about choices written by Jennifer Griffon she said, “Each decision that we make at any point in time is the best decision that we can make at that time and also reflects a lesson that we must learn.” She goes on to tell us, “Judging the wisdom of our choices once we learn their results, thus regretting the past, is like being able to pick the lottery numbers after we know what they will be.”

There are times we know we are not making the best decision. I can recall one as recently as yesterday. This also brings to mind something I repeatedly told my sister Jennifer before she moved to New York. Picking the right path for yourself doesn’t mean you are guaranteed the easy path. Best choices don’t necessarily mean you’ll find a gold-covered road leading to the rainbow minus pitfalls and obstacles.

In Reviving Ophelia Mary Pipher tells us, “Parents can only do so much, and they are not responsible for everything. They are neither all knowing nor all-powerful. Parents can make a difference in the lives of their daughters only if their daughters are willing to allow this. Not all daughters are. Daughters have choices and responsibilities.”

It’s our job to teach what we can and then to move out of the way. We do this by allowing our children to make their choices and accept responsibility. All we can do is the best we can and we must ask our children to do the same. And then maybe one day we and our children can be like Marianne Williamson and “come at last to live in the comfort of our own skin.”

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
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Taking From Others

Addy and I watched “Odd Girl Out,” a movie based on an advice book by the same title and written by Rachel Simmons.

In one scene, several girls are shopping at an expensive store. Vanessa can’t afford to buy the clothes the other girls can, and her best friend Stacy gifts her with some of the clothes. As they are walking out Stacy turns to the girls and says, “I forgot to pay for this scarf. My purse is too small.”

The girls look at one another. Some repeat the “my purse is too small” line. Then they all turn to Vanessa.

Vanessa caves in to the pressure. She sticks the scarf in her oversized bag. She walks out of the store and doesn’t get caught. She leaves the burden of paying for the scarf to someone else; in this case, the merchant who will foot the bill and pass the cost on to other customers, to you and to me.

Stealing happens frequently. Electronic devices and locked cabinets point to a problem massive enough that merchants pay big bucks to hang on to their stuff. Retail stores aren’t the only ones with “stealing” problems. The music industry is still trying to stop the bleeding.

This summer presented several opportunites for Addy and me to review this theme. The first was a few months back while we shopped at Rue 21.

Addy wanted to know why the store locked its dressing rooms and why we were limited to how many items we could have in the dressing room.

As I explained, something hit the floor with a thud. It was an electronic tag that had fallen out of a pocket of the shorts she was trying on. I knew what it meant. She didn’t. I explained that someone removed the tag, stuck it in this pocket, then strolled out the door with stolen merchandise.

But stealing isn’t only about intentionally shoplifting.

A few weeks before school started, we did our annual back-to-school shopping. At the cash register, I noticed the man didn’t charge us for one of the items. The thought drifted through my head, “Should I tell?” It was immediately followed by “Not telling is stealing.”

I spoke up and paid for all of our merchandise. Addy had the opportunity to learn knowingly taking advantage of other people’s mistakes is also stealing.

A few weeks after that experience, she showed me a CD her friend made for her. I asked what was on it. She named the song and the band. I said, “Addy, that is pirated. We can’t keep it.” When I explained that copying songs you don’t buy was stealing and illegal, she didn’t want the CD anymore. Right then we broke it.

More recently we visited another store, this time to purchase a watch for my husband. We looked at a wide-variety of sports watches and finally selected a medium-priced model. Once home, we realized that the clerk had given us the most expensive watch, but charged us for the mid-priced variety.

This time there was no second-guessing. Addy and I knew immediately our only option was to jump in the car, return to the store and correct the oversight. And that’s exactly what we did.

There is a moral to this line of stories. The moral is that taking something that isn’t ours is stealing. It’s a lesson that our children need to understand. And there are many, many ways to teach it. For starters, use this article and the examples included to teach the children in your life this most important lesson.

Allyn Evans
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www.allynevans.com

Speaking Tic

Toastmasters, an International non-profit organization designed to help individuals improve their speaking skills, teaches speakers to avoid using verbal fillers—fillers like ah, uh, you know.

Because I have been a member of Toastmasters for a very long time, I am hyper sensitive when a person relies heavily on verbal fillers when speaking.

I’m constantly amazed by the high profile TV/radio personalities who do this and aren’t told by company executives to fix it.

There’s a popular filler word used by tweens and teens, particularly girls. I hear it repeatedly when Addy and friends are loaded in my car.

Can you guess what the word is?

A couple of weeks ago, I spent three straights days working with teenage girls at Career Technology Centers in Oklahoma. I heard this word so much that I found myself overusing it.

Not good.

While waiting for a presentation to begin on one day, three girls arrived early. I told them to feel free to chat while we waited for the others to join us. Big mistake. For fifteen minutes, I had to listen to the constant repetition of the offending word.

“LIKE he told me what he said and then LIKE I said well okay and then LIKE I left. Later, LIKE I decided to go back and find him. But LIKE he was gone. And LIKE I didn’t know what to do.”

Yes, the “filler” word for this generation of children is still LIKE. The 1980’s movie Valley Girl was the world’s first introduction to the word and nothing seems to be stopping its use—not teachers, not parents.

While speaking to the students, I pointed this out. I asked them to help each other stop this bad habit. Hoping to help them improve, I would point out every use of the word throughout our time together.

My daughter and I work on this at home. In her defense it’s rare that I hear a slip unless she is hanging out with friends.

William L. Bainbridge , Professor at the University of Dayton, wrote an article about the overuse of ‘like’ for the Columbus Dispatch. He described how he and colleagues were disturbed by a teen’s presentation.

She was the president of her senior class and had exceptional scholastic qualifications—excellent grades and high national test scores. He explains: “The session was videotaped. We reviewed the tape and, to no surprise, found sixty-four instances by actual count of this bright person cluttering her sentence with the word LIKE in less than four minutes: "You know LIKE I feel LIKE students LIKE have trouble LIKE selecting LIKE career awareness LIKE experiences."

Bainbridge says popular TV personality Larry King calls this type of overuse of a word a “speaking tic,” which means it’s something a person can’t seem to stop doing no matter how hard she tries.

But there is good news. If your tween, teen or even you have this “diagnosis,” it is fixable. Ask others to help you become aware every time you say the word. Record your daughter and friends (with their permission, of course) and then play it back. You can call them out every time, too.

A favorite Toastmaster’s trick is ringing a counter bell every time you hear the offending word.

The counter bell tactic works—just ask any Toastmaster who has experienced it. I rarely, if ever, get flagged in meetings for using word fillers. When I do find myself picking up a verbal word filler habit, I immediately get to work solving the problem. Do your children a favor and help them do the same thing.

Allyn Evans
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www.allynevans.com

I Promise Not Tell

I want to take a poll.

First question: How many times have you heard, “I promise not to tell.”?

Next question: How many times has the person who promised not to tell TOLD?

For many people, keeping something private from others is impossible to do. It’s not to say that the Secret Sharer is bad a person. More times than not, the person who violates your trust is a well-meaning friend or family member who supports you in many ways.

But for whatever reason, they have a hard, hard time keeping quiet.

I’m talking about adults. Here’s something to consider…if adults have so much trouble—adults who love and support you—then wouldn’t you think a teenager might find it even more challenging?

I talk a lot to girls about this very topic. The betrayal stories I have heard and read about push me to have this conversation regularly with teens.

Now you might be wondering if I advise them to keep all their secrets bottled up inside? No, I don’t. But I do ask them to tread carefully and to be mindful of what they tell to others in their lives.

Bottom line: Friends and family members earn the right to be told your secrets. This means that as you build a relationship with someone, you share bits and pieces of your private self in increments. It’s a natural way for a friendship to unfold. It’s after you begin to share personal information with someone that you need to be an observer. I tell girls to pay attention to how the information is handled.

It reminds me of the game of tennis. Hit a ball past me and down my alley (the side of the court), I pay attention. Do it again and I start thinking about the old idiom: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

In my own life, I take careful notes about who keeps my personal information confidential. And sometimes it really isn’t about how much they love you or respect you, but their maturity level. Not everyone can keep a secret. Recall your own experiences when you wanted so badly to share some information you had, but had been asked not to. It’s challenging, is it not?

You’ll now find me repeatedly telling teenagers to be careful. Mostly this talk goes along with my Internet and Cell Phone presentation to teens. In that workshop we spend time talking about public communication. What many of them might not have thought about is that ANY private communication with someone via email and cell phone could, with a push of a button, become instantly public.

To help them avoid embarrassment or harassment, I encourage them to not write or text anything that they wouldn’t want posted on the classroom bulletin board. If they feel compelled to criticize someone, I encourage them to do it in code. Of course, in an ideal world we’d rather they not criticize anyone at all, but we know how difficult that is for us—let alone them—to do.

This is a topic that I continually talk about with my daughter and other teens. Of course, just because I’m talking about it doesn’t mean the message will be heard. Yes, many times it takes learning something the hard way before a point can be absorbed. When your child is betrayed, which WILL eventually happen (if it hasn’t already), help them process and forgive. But more importantly, remind them to be careful when sharing information or personal secrets with friends or family.

Allyn Evans
email me!
www.allynevans.com

Time to Make Summer Camp Plans

As I child, I started annually attending summer camps by the time I was eight. Most summers, I attended at least two camps or sessions.

Whether I took a friend or not, didn’t matter to me. Camp was fun.

For my daughter, Addy, it was different. She had no desire to go. I decided to take a relaxed approach: “When she is ready, she’ll ask.”

Last year, at the age of 12, ready she was. And so we began searching for the ideal place. We looked in Oklahoma and surrounding states and found many good options—some expensive and some more moderately priced. Because we had started late, however, most camps were full. As my own plans started to evolve for the summer, I realized how convenient it would be for me, if we could find a camp in the state I call home. I suggested we check out one of the camps I regularly attended. We did. They had space. The price was more than reasonable. The deal was made.

Although very comfortable with the choice, I must confess I fretted some. Last year while visiting a good friend, her child wrote heart-wrenching letters about wanting and needing to come home. My friend made her stick it out, but not without tears of her own. But fear of the unknown or how it will all work out is never a good reason to not try something. My friend’s child learned an important lesson that summer. She learned how to deal with a challenging situation.

If your child has yet to experience camp, you might want to reconsider. The majority of children, mine included, have wonderful camp experiences. A study done by the American Camp Association surveyed more than 5000 families who had attended 80 ACA-Accredited camps to evaluate the experience from the perspective of parents and children. In most cases, the parents and children reported significant growth in: self-esteem, independence, leadership, friendship skills, social comfort, peer relationships, adventure and exploration, environmental awareness, values and spirituality.

After hearing all the “camp” tales from my daughter post trip, I would have to report that it was all good! She can’t wait return. Never mind that she caught the flu (not the Swine flu) and had to leave camp a day early.

There are other reasons to consider sending your child to camp. According to Dr. Bruce Muchnick, a licensed psychologist who works extensively with day and resident campers, “Camp is a learning experience.” Dr. Muchnick explains that being in a new environment and away from the familiar “provides an opportunity for your child to explore a world bigger than his/her neighborhood and a chance for you and your child to practice ‘letting go.’” He claims that “letting go” is important to develop autonomy and a strong sense of self.

The American Camp Association (http://www.acacamps.org/) offered more advice:

1. Make Joint Decisions: Include your child in the selection process. Ask your child to pack with your help.

2. Talk Openly About Fears and Concerns: Being afraid to be away from home is common, especially if it is the first camp experience. Share your “first-time-from-home” experiences with your camper. Talk to them about what they can do when and if they feel sad or lonely.

3. Help Them Have Realistic Expectations: Explain to your child the real purpose of camp, which is to relax, have fun and enjoy. It’s not about winning the biggest trophy or prize or succeeding. Talk about a typical day of activities that will include fun activities, but also some chores like making a bed or keeping your bunk tidy.

If your child has never attended camp, you could always select camps with shorter durations. Addy’s camp last year ran for one week.

Best Hint: When trying to figure out how to pack Addy’s camp supplies and clothes, I asked a friend if she had a trunk I could borrow. She told me, “Don’t do that. Instead, purchase a plastic chest of drawers. When transporting, tape the drawers shut.” This solution was ideal and made all of Addy’s key items easy to reach. You might want to check with the camp staff before making this decision.

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/
info@allynevans.com